It's a Heart Issue

Do you ever have those weeks that you feel you're learning more than you're accomplishing?  This last week and a half has been just that for me.  I feel as if I'm taking in far more than I am giving out - but being quite exhausted by it.  By taking in I mean, learning lessons.  And some of those lessons have been...

Hard.
Difficult.
Draining.
Heart Breaking.
Lessons.

I finally began to lay those lessons down on Sunday and just allow God to speak.  Not take anything on, just listening.  As He spoke, he was telling me a couple of things.  He was reminding me of what He had previously spoken through Isaiah 41 and also reminding me that He is enough.  As I thought through what He was telling me I was thinking about the difference between obedience, and willingness.  We can be obedient without being willing.  Willingness is a heart issue.

As I looked back at the last month and a half I saw that I walked out in obedience in what He was asking me to do here.  I went to work with kids when He asked me to work with kids.  I went to the cafe when He asked me to go to the cafe.  I talked when He asked me to talk.  I rested when He asked me to rest. But rarely was my heart willing.  I may have had moments of enjoyment, but few moments of joy.  As I thought about willingness I realized that there are going to be a lot of things that are going to effect my feelings here.  Things that I was going to see, and hear, and miss about home that may make me FEEL sad, or heavy, or... anything that wasn't joy. 

As I was reading this week I read Romans 12:1.  I've read Romans 12 several times, but I don't think that I've ever really noticed what the first sentence said.  "Love must be sincere".  And then I realized that sincerity and willingness go together.  When there's no willingness you can't be sincere.  But a true willingness - which I believe means surrendering our own motives and heart - creates sincerity. But even within that, if I don't feel willing... how do I love the people here? And then I remembered 1 John 4:8 "...God is love".  He doesn't display love.  He doesn't give love to us.  I mean - He does those things... But He IS love.  So really what do I have to do?

Surrender myself, my all of me - and let God love.

It's a heart issue.