*Blank Stare* Seriously? *Sigh*

*Blank Stare*
A blank stare can mean a lot of things really.  

Surprise.
Shock.
Frustration.
Unbelief.

“Seriously?” 

This phrase can have a lot of translations.

“I can’t believe this is happening!”
“Are you kidding? Or no?...”
“This is so great!”
“I’m to frustrated to say what I want to say.”

*Sigh*

A sigh can be a result of many things.

Relief
Annoyance
Being overwhelmed
Revelation
Defeat

This week I feel like has been a week of: *Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*

Like when I realized that I got to see a friend from high school,  and a friend that I lived in New Zealand with in the same week in Thailand.

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh* Translation:  *Surprise*  “This is so great!” *Revelation*

Or when I realized that a stranger at the bus station helped me get home on time after missing my bus by talking with the bus company in Thai and telling them I was given wrong information (when really my taxi took me to the wrong bus station and got there 5 minutes after my bus left) and I was given a ticket back home with no hassle.

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*  Translation: *Shock*  “Are you kidding? Or no?...”  *Relief*

Or when I got home after an overnight 10 hour bus ride to discover that I was covered literally head to toe in flea bites.  I stopped counting at 100.

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*  Translation  *Frustration* “I can’t believe this is happening.” *Annoyance*

Or when I go to make dinner and there’s no gas in the stove and it’s 10pm.  

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh* Translation:  *Unbelief* “You have got to be kidding.” *Defeat*

Or the next morning when we were trying to fix the broken toilet and realized that our water, internet, and electricity bills haven’t been paid and the internet, and water are shut off on a Sunday afternoon.  

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*  Translation: *Unbelief*  “I’m to frustrated to say what I want to say.”
*Overwhelmed*

Sometimes as a missionary (which... I really don’t like that word by the way.  I’m just living life in Thailand...) I feel like I’m supposed to have everything together all the time.  Like I can’t do anything wrong or I’m going to fail.  Like when something goes awry in my life that I need to have the answers and get it fixed with a smile on my face the whole time and be happy.

But this week has been a week of: *Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*

My day off consisted of replacing the empty gas tank, paying in the internet bill, warning the other 11 people that live in my house that we can’t use the bathroom upstairs as we realize that we have no water.... And grocery shopping.

This afternoon I came back home ready to break down.  I am still a very human, human.  I’m going to be honest.  Today has been a very frustrating day.  I’ve wanted to yell, but I’ve held my tongue.  I’ve wanted to cry, and I have a little.  I’ve wanted to pack up my bags, and come back home because I’m totally overwhelmed with teaching photography, doing graphic design, orientation for teams, working with slum kids, teaching english, learning Thai, and taking care of my street kids who have it way worse than I do and smile at me, and laugh with me everyday.

So instead, I’m going to pick up my guitar and worship.  I’m going to pray - knowing that God called me here for a reason.  And I’m going to trust that I will figure this out and move forward.

And that I can get through tomorrow with no:

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*

26 Things I'm Thankful for in my 26th Year: 2012

1. This year I have been gifted with some of the best friends I've ever had.
2. God healed me of a disease medical professionals deemed 'incurable'
3. I got to live on top of a grocery store
4. I was able to raise a goose AND a duck.  Easily the coolest pets ever. Thank you Jill and Brooks.
5. I spent most of the year making people coffee.  I like people.  And I like coffee.
6. All of the friends mentioned above have some of the coolest kids I've ever met.  And I got to hang out with them a lot.  They all make me laugh.
7. I bought a plane ticket to Thailand - even though I had never been there and it was scary.
8. I found out I have an amazingly supportive church family.
9. I got to go to New York City.  Definitely my favorite place I've ever been in the world.
10.  I moved to Thailand.  Easily the most challenging step of obedience to God I've ever taken.
11.  I met some really amazing people with the same heart for kids and justice that I have.
12.  I started learning Thai.
13.  I discovered Chaa Yen.  Thank you Bethsaida.
14.  My form of transportation became a scooter.
15.  I became friends with some of the most incredibly strong, and awesome kids that I've ever met.  And they work in the streets of Northern Thailand.
16.  My job is now to love on these adorable street kids.
17.  I got better at speaking Thai.
18.  I learned what World Race is, and how awesome World Racers are.
19.  Khaw Sooy. I found a favorite Thai meal.
20.  Technology.  FaceTime and iMessage have saved my sanity in 2012.
21.  Learning how powerful steadfast obedience to Jesus is.  Even when it's hard, and you don't like it - He's still working.
22.  Learning how to not only walk in obedience, but also with a willing heart.
23.  Coffee.  I just love it.
24.  Feeling an idea of direction to what my life will look like in 2013.
25.  Learning what an incredibly supportive family and friends I have.  And growing more thankful for them everyday.
26.  Jesus.  I couldn't do this without Him.

Where's Waldo: Thai Style

This week was a great week with the kids.  One night I was out and saw one of the boys that I work with for the first time in over a week.  Of the kids that I work with, he's one that I really look out for. When I first met him he wore the same outfit everyday and didn't always have shoes.  We were able to provide new clothes and shoes for him during Project: Christmas Warmth. I know that his home life is extremely difficult, and basic needs are not always met for him.  Two weeks ago when I saw him he didn't have shoes again.  I asked him what happened and he just kept telling me he didn't have shoes anymore.  He asked if I would get him flip flops, and I promised I would.  I carried flip flops everyday for a week and would go out looking for him at night, but couldn't find him.  So when I saw him last week I was overjoyed - until I realized I forgot his shoes at home.

He had brought a friend with him and asked if I would buy shoes for him as well.   I had seen this kid frequently around the city selling flowers, but had never been able to connect with him.  I agreed to buy him shoes, and he made me pinky promise that I would bring both of their shoes the following night.

I pinky promised three times, and you can't break a pinky promise.

As I was driving home that night I realized that these kids really trust me. They're bringing their friends to me who are in need, because they know that I'll follow through.

I went home and got his flip flops hoping that I would be able to find him that night so he wouldn't have to go another day without shoes.   As I went back out I realized that my job here is like a giant game of Where's Waldo - except Waldo is disguised as a little kid selling flowers.  I drive all over the city looking for my kids selling flowers in bars and restaurants hoping that I will be able to find them and make sure they've been able to eat dinner.  And that they have things like shoes.  I didn't find Waldo that night - but knew with three pinky promises I would see him the next day.

The following night I sat waiting for the kids with two new pair of shoes.  First I saw the new kid.  I gave him his shoes, and he thanked me with a huge grin on his face.  He went to find my other kid and he came back and sat next to me, looked up and asked if I had his shoes.  I said yes, and handed them to him and he put them on with a huge smile.  They fit perfectly, and he didn't have to walk around with no shoes anymore.

We played games for hours that night.  Checkers. Angry birds. We drew, and read books... When it was time for them to go we said goodbye and walked down the street.  We saw the sister of one of the kids and I asked if she had eaten dinner.  She said no, only candy.  So I was able to buy her and her brother dinner.  On our way back to the bike I saw two more of my kids.  We talked for a minute and laughed, and then I drove home.

These kids are what makes it worth it.  Playing Where's Waldo can be frustrating day after day. And exhausting. But when I find them sitting at a booth in a restaurant resting,  riding a bike along the moat, or walking by the boxing ring - it's always worth it.  Even if it takes me days of searching for them, it's always worth it.

Merriest of Christmas'

I’m sitting on my couch just before 6am on Christmas Eve.  It’s still dark outside, and I can hear the roosters crowing behind the house. There is no snow.  We had to search for several days to find candy canes.  I can hear a gecko chirping on the porch, and smell incense burning in a buddhist spirit house next door.

Christmas in Thailand is quite different from Christmas at home.

I’ve been challenged this week to think; Why do I celebrate Christmas?  It doesn’t really feel like the Christmas season here.  No ugly Christmas sweater parties, or cookie exchanges.  No pictures with Santa, or candlelight services.  No Christmas lights, or snowfall.  I FaceTimed with my family when they got together for Christmas - my grandparents, mom, 7 aunts and uncles, and 8 cousins. I waved, said hi, and couldn’t join in on many of the other festivities for the day. But none of that REALLY has anything to do with Christmas.  It’s great to have pretty decorations and get together with family and friends - but celebrating Christmas is much more than that.

Christmas at home is my favorite time of the year.  Not so much because of all of the parties - I just love the atmosphere. I love snow, and cold weather, and how everything seems to sparkle.  Snow in the sunlight, Christmas trees, and lights as you drive at night.  It seems cliche - but people really are nicer around the holidays.  There’s just a spirit of giving and joy.  

I’ve spent a lot of time this week thinking about Christmas. It’s about celebrating the birth of Jesus.  The birth of our literal savior.  The one who left heaven -  and came to a place full of sin so that He could save each of us.  His life here on earth was a complete sacrifice.  But He willingly died on the cross so that we could have a relationship with God, and our sin would be forgiven.

Thinking through that has given me renewed perspective working with the kids.  I’ve had a much more thankful spirit, because I realize that I know Jesus. I’m not only thankful that I know Him, but that I have the chance to display characteristics of Him to these kids. It’s not just about making them smile, that’s just a perk :) 

This Christmas, I think more than ever, what I’m most looking forward to is celebrating with a truly thankful heart the sacrifice that Jesus made by coming to earth.  Celebrating the obedience and open hearts of Mary and Joseph, and taking time to acknowledge what Jesus really did for us. There may not be snow, or a myriad of Christmas cookies... And I really miss my friends and family - but that doesn’t take the joy out of Christmas.

I was talking to my roommate the other day, recounting the events of the week.  Both of us were laughing to the point of tears at the irony.  As I was driving home from a friends Christmas party on Saturday I couldn’t help but laugh to myself.  My bike had a flat tire, I had lice,  and a head cold.  Merry Christmas!  

But the best part was - I didn’t really care.  There was not part of me that was in a bad mood.  I wasn’t annoyed, or frustrated.  I was tired.... But not unhappy, and honestly think that it was because none of that could take away from what I knew I was really celebrating.  I feel like any one of those things individually could have ruined my day a few weeks ago.  But for now I’m just enjoying Christmas in Thailand, and EVERYTHING it brings my way ;)

Merry Christmas to you all!

Heartbreak and Hope

This week has been an enlightening week with the kids. When I say enlightening, I don’t mean easy.  Early in the week I went out to work with them, as I normally do.  It was the night before my good friend Bethsaida was heading back home to the US. She had spent the last year working with the kids as well so she came out to say her goodbyes before going home. Her and I both have names that are difficult for the kids to pronounce, to make it easier for them we just gave ourselves Thai names.  In Thai culture as a sign of respect, if you’re talking to someone older than you, you say ‘P’ before their name.  So the kids call Bethsaida P’Yim (Yim means smile) and they call me P’Joy. 

A girl came up whom I hadn’t met before, and she had no interest in sitting with me. “P’Yim... She here?” She asked me.
“Chay kha” (Yes) and I motioned down the street.  As she headed down the street, the mom who was there told me it was one of the kids sisters and I didn’t see her again the rest of the night.

After working with the kids a group of my friends got together and headed out to a favorite karaoke spot at a Mexican restaurant in the city.  In celebration of Bethsaida’s last night we were going to sing the night away.  A group of 8 of us met up at Loco Elvis (Yes. The Mexican restaurant in Thailand with karaoke is called Loco Elvis.  Doesn’t that automatically make it awesome?) We took karaoke by storm complete with backup dancers, and laughed through the night.  

The girls belting out Spice Girls 'Wannabe'

Bethsaida singing a Motown hit with her backup dancers aka myself, Lindsey, and Briggs.

A little after midnight we saw one of our kids come up to the table next us to sell flowers.  When the couple insisted they didn’t want flowers, our kid pulled condoms out of his pocket and tried to sell those instead.  

It was instant heart break seeing this little kid, whom I’ve grown to love, be out at such a late hour selling condoms to strangers.  He saw us after leaving that table and came and sat with us talking with Bethsaida before he left.  She looked at me as he walked away and said he told her the cat had stolen his shoe laces, and his sweatshirt was to big to wear - so despite Project:Christmas Warmth this little guy was still cold on the streets.  It was his sister who had come by me earlier as well.  She had found Bethsaida and asked if we would get her some long sleeve shirts and shoes.  It was fun being out with friends - but that encounter had, had an impact far deeper than laughing and singing with friends was going to fill in that moment.

The next day Bethsaida left for the US.  That was a goodbye that I really, really did not like.  I’m so grateful for the insight she gave me in working with the kids.  We’ve had a lot of fun the last few months laughing, eating awesome food, and laughing more. Watching her interact with the kids has been inspiring.  Seeing the depth of her heart and steadfast display of Jesus’ love for them.  Knowing that she came into working with these kids by herself, not knowing the language but just being committed... That gave me the confidence to keep going.  Being able to see how much each of the kids loves her.  Really, really loves her. For the first several weeks I was here, if Bethsaida wasn’t out with me - they had no interest in staying.  I’m so thankful that she was willing to go out with me and introduce me to the kids so that now that she’s gone I can continue the work that she was doing because of the awesome groundwork she laid.  

It makes my heart happy to know that my friend is following God and in a place that she really loves right now, and I am holding tightly to the fact that really it’s not about Bethsaida being here, or me being here... It’s about the kids experiencing God.  Bethsaida fulfilled the time God called her here to do that, and brought me in to continue it. Last night I realized that it’s going to be ok.  I miss my friend, but I can do this.   
Lately three of the four of us that live in my house have had trouble sleeping at night.  We don’t fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning a lot of the time.  So last night we figured if we can’t sleep - might as well dance.  While we were out dancing we saw one kid I work with in the slums who was selling flowers. I had never seen him out selling before, but he spent time with my friends and I.  My friend bought him dinner, and I was able to tell him that if he was selling flowers on Tuesday I would be there and we could study english, and read if he wanted.  That was a pretty big step for me - because I was able to explain that all in Thai without anyone translating for me.  He smiled and nodded that he understood.

An hour later I looked up to see the boy who had been in Loco Elvis with us.  Earlier last night I had found him and was able to give him the gift for his sister - a sweatshirt, shoes, tshirt, and backpack - and I was also able to get him a sweatshirt that fit, and shoelaces so he could wear his shoes.

Shortly after I saw his sister walk up in her sweatshirt.  
She got a huge grin on her face and said,
“You P’Joy right?”  I nodded my head and smiled. “P’Yim tell you?” She asked pointing at her new sweatshirt that she was wearing.  
“Chay (yes) kha” I answered “Chop may kha?” (Do you like it?)
“Chop (I like it)” she answered back smiling.  “You tell P’Yim thank you,” I assured her I would.
“Gin leaw may kha?” (Did you eat already?) She shook her head no.
“Ow gin may kha?” (Do you want food?) She smiled and nodded yes.

We got in line to get sandwiches and she asked if I would get one for her brother as well.  After she got their food she smiled and waved as she walked off.  On the way back to our bike my friend and I saw the kids eating their dinner.  The little boy walked up and said thank you for his sandwich and gave me a hug and then went back and sat down.  As much as my heart breaks each time I see them out - each one of those kids are worth it.  

Some days feel hopeless - like when you see a 9 year old kid selling condoms to strangers on the street.  It feels like there’s nothing you can do.  And some days there’s a realization that everything is going to be ok, because I’m not supposed to fix this entire problem myself.  I just need to display the love of Jesus.  And if I can do that by making sure these kids have warm clothes, making sure they eat dinner, and have a safe place to sit and play a few nights a week... It’s not hopeless.  

A huge thank you to Bethsaida for standing up for these kids when she saw the need.  For displaying the love of Jesus, and proving to each of these kids that there are people who love them and can be trusted.  For being Jesus in the lives of these kids even when it seemed hard, or hopeless. And for connecting me with them and being my friend before she going home. 

These kids are going to understand their worth, and that they are loved.  Jesus is always faithful to reveal Himself - and I’m willing to be the next in line to display his love for them in the red light.

It's a Heart Issue

Do you ever have those weeks that you feel you're learning more than you're accomplishing?  This last week and a half has been just that for me.  I feel as if I'm taking in far more than I am giving out - but being quite exhausted by it.  By taking in I mean, learning lessons.  And some of those lessons have been...

Hard.
Difficult.
Draining.
Heart Breaking.
Lessons.

I finally began to lay those lessons down on Sunday and just allow God to speak.  Not take anything on, just listening.  As He spoke, he was telling me a couple of things.  He was reminding me of what He had previously spoken through Isaiah 41 and also reminding me that He is enough.  As I thought through what He was telling me I was thinking about the difference between obedience, and willingness.  We can be obedient without being willing.  Willingness is a heart issue.

As I looked back at the last month and a half I saw that I walked out in obedience in what He was asking me to do here.  I went to work with kids when He asked me to work with kids.  I went to the cafe when He asked me to go to the cafe.  I talked when He asked me to talk.  I rested when He asked me to rest. But rarely was my heart willing.  I may have had moments of enjoyment, but few moments of joy.  As I thought about willingness I realized that there are going to be a lot of things that are going to effect my feelings here.  Things that I was going to see, and hear, and miss about home that may make me FEEL sad, or heavy, or... anything that wasn't joy. 

As I was reading this week I read Romans 12:1.  I've read Romans 12 several times, but I don't think that I've ever really noticed what the first sentence said.  "Love must be sincere".  And then I realized that sincerity and willingness go together.  When there's no willingness you can't be sincere.  But a true willingness - which I believe means surrendering our own motives and heart - creates sincerity. But even within that, if I don't feel willing... how do I love the people here? And then I remembered 1 John 4:8 "...God is love".  He doesn't display love.  He doesn't give love to us.  I mean - He does those things... But He IS love.  So really what do I have to do?

Surrender myself, my all of me - and let God love.

It's a heart issue.

Project: Christmas Warmth

The last couple of weeks here in Thailand have been busy.  A lot of changes, and transitions, and things happening.  

November 18 my friend, Lindsey arrived from Arkansas.  She will be living in Thailand with me until September.  It's so wonderful to have a friend here.  A person to laugh with, and work with, and adventure with.  Lindsey and I both worked with YWAM in Oxford, New Zealand.  I was in Oxford in 2006 and the beginning of 2007, Lindsey was there 2007-2009.  So although we've been in contact for 4 years, this is our first time working together.  It's been great and I'm excited she's here for the year!

We also had a World Race team living with us for the month of November.  The squad was split into smaller teams to work with the different ministries of Lighthouse in Action.  I had one girl who came out with me to the red light district a few nights a week to work with the kids.  Hannah and I would teach english, play games, and sing with the kids.  It was such a fun month! I was blessed to have a person working with me that was just as crazy, and fun as I am! And she connected with the kids so well!

This past month has been focused on connecting with the kids.  I have been told that last year in the red light district there were upwards of 20 kids that sold flowers in the streets every night.  The past month I've never seen more than 3 or 4 in one night.  Because of this we've gotten to connect with each kid much more.  We know what each of them like to do.  We've been able to work with them one on one and really get to know them.  This turned out to be a huge blessing as we prepared for Project: Christmas Warmth.

Project: Christmas Warmth was started in 2011 by my friend, Bethsaida.  She saw needs the kids had, and she prayed that God would provide to meet those needs - and He did! Nights in Thai winters get very cold - as cold as 30 degrees fahrenheit.  Many of the kids selling flowers in the street don't have warm clothes, or adequate shoes.  With donations from people at home we were able to raise enough money to bless each of the kids that we've been working with, with GOOD quality gifts.  For each of the kids we were able to get nice warm shoes, jeans, track pants, t-shirts, hoodies, backpacks, a toy, and for each kid something they enjoy.  Whether it was a book, sketchbooks, clay, crayons, notebooks - just something that they love.  

A couple of days ago we went to the red light to hand the gifts out to the kids.  They were so excited! Later in the night we saw one of the boys and he had already put on his new shoes.  He reminded us with a smile that we didn't get him socks, and asked if we would bring him some so his shoes wouldn't smell bad.

I have socks in my backpack to hand out tonight :)

If you would like to see the video we put together of Project: Christmas Warmth 2012 you may click here.

It was great to see that just by spending some quality time with each of the kids every week I've been able to connect with them and know each of their personalities.  And my Thai is getting a little better - I can even have simple conversations with them now :)

Thank you each for your encouragement, support, and willingness to stay connected!