The Big Transition

This month comes along with quite an update!  It’s a bit lengthy - but if you’ve been following my journey, I urge you to read through to the end to understand the steps of this past month.  Thank you! 

At the beginning of February I could feel a big transition coming in my work with the kids.  That’s really the only way I know to describe it - I could feel the transition, as I saw circumstances change and doors close in Thailand.  

The people who were working alongside me with the kids were on short term teams that were leaving the country.

The place in the red light district that I would meet with the kids to play games and teach english was no longer an option for us to meet at.

I found that the kids were coming to meet with me in the red light - but they weren’t always even selling flowers.  They were just coming to see me.  Which is great! And I loved spending time with them, but I wanted them OUT of the red light district.  I didn’t want them coming there even when they didn’t have to work, just to see me.

At the beginning of February I took three days off with the intention to rest, and to listen.  I needed God to give me direction on what was best to do for the kids.  I wanted to serve them the BEST I was able to.  I knew that, that solution didn’t necessarily mean me working with them every day.

During those three days of rest and prayer I was asking a lot of questions.  

How long was I supposed to be in Thailand?
Should I be starting a program for the kids?
Or would it be better to connect them with an already existing organization?
How could I BEST serve them?
What was my next step?

Back in December when I had been in a time of prayer I felt God leading that I was in a season of learning and that the big picture, longterm I would be based in the US with short term trips to Thailand, along with a few other countries.  My season of learning was learning how to interact with the kids.  Learning what was important to learn in the language, about surrounding organizations, about the culture, the country.  Once I was able to learn those, amongst other things I would be free to leave Thailand.  

In the beginning of February as I prayed through my next step I felt like I was supposed to connect the kids to an already existing organization instead of trying to start something for them.  I didn’t have people to work with me, I’m not fluent in Thai - I just knew it wouldn’t be the best solution.  I found a great organization that works specifically with boys in danger of being trafficked - or boys who are being trafficked.  

When I contacted them to see if the boys I worked with would be a good fit, I found out that they had all shown up there earlier in the week, and were already connected.  God had taken care of that :)  

Now that the big question had been answered, I began praying through timing.  I felt the leading that my time of learning was over, and to go back to the US.

I had a lot of feelings about this answer.  I was really surprised.  I had bought a one way plane ticket to Thailand because I knew that God was asking me to go there, but I didn't’ know how long He was asking me to stay for.   I got a one year visa, so I figured I would be there one year - but from the beginning my attitude had always been that I would stay in Thailand until He asked me to go somewhere else.

I knew that Thailand was a longterm place for me to work.  But it turned out longterm was looking different than I had originally thought.  I wasn’t going to be living there longterm - but Thailand was a longterm contact I would be doing short term trips with.  Going back consistently, continually to pour into the same people, work with the same kids, to show the love of Jesus in the same area... 

Honestly it brought me a lot of joy! I’ve said since I left Michigan that I was leaving behind the best thing that had ever happened to me - and it brought me a lot of joy to think about going back to that.  To so many people who are SO close to my heart. Having the opportunity to go back to a job that I love (which I’m so grateful for!) with the flexibility to take time off and travel back to Thailand when God leads.  It made me happy to think about being comfortable again.  Maybe even sleeping through the night, with no threat of karaoke keeping me awake at all hours.  

My heart was saddened to think about leaving the kids - but knowing that they were connected to a great organization in the city gave me a peace. Knowing that by being obedient to where God was asking me to go, ultimately was going to serve them the best.

The transition from that point was very fast.  I prayed through it with some people.  I talked through it with some people.  I told the people I was working with, and the kids that I would be leaving.  I found out after making the decision that the kids were actually going to be heading back into the hill tribes for summer (March-April) and rainy season (May-August) and wouldn’t be in Chiang Mai for me to work with soon.  They would be back to work during high tourist season (end of October - beginning of February.) I packed, and I headed back to Michigan.  

Leaving Thailand I wasn’t running from anything.  I wasn’t running to anything.  I left with my heart in a great place, on a wonderful note with all of my friends there.  I was able to spend two weeks with my kids after they knew I was leaving, and my last night in the red light district we played, laughed and I walked away looking around at my kids who all had big smiles on their faces.  

I told each of them before I left in Thai, “When I go back home to America I’m going to miss you a lot! I love you a lot, and I want to see you when I come back here!”

Each of the kids nodded their heads in understand, with big smiles on their faces and responded, “I want to see you too!”  The youngest of the boys called my name as I walked away, “Pii Joy!” I looked back and he blew me a kiss with a big smile.

I would say my time in Thailand was successful.

The thought of going back to that place brings me so much joy! The thought of me getting to live in a place I love, surrounded by people whom I love SO much here in Michigan also gives me a lot of joy.

I am so grateful for the season I am coming out of EVEN if a lot of it was really hard.  I wish I had learned to have a better attitude earlier in the game while I was there on the days when things were really difficult, but I know that when I left I was leaving a place I enjoyed and am excited to go back to.

For those of you who financially donated to the work I was doing while I was in Thailand, what was left of those financial contributions are currently in my PayPal account, and they will stay there to be utilized when I go back to Thailand to work with the kids.  My plan at the moment is to be back in Thailand each year some time in the window of high tourist season which is the end of October - beginning of February.  At this point, I don’t know how long these trips will be, but will keep you updated.

I know some of you had shown interest in donating financially toward the work I was doing - if you are still wanting to do that I WILL be going back to Thailand and the money donated to my PayPal will be utilized only for the missions work I do.  You may donate at any time by clicking here.

If you have ANY questions about anything you are more than welcome to contact me! 

I plan on keeping you all up to date on what develops from here on out, and thank you so much for your support as I was in Thailand, and continued support as I’m here :)

One Whole Entire Year...

So let me set the scene for you - what was happening one year ago....

February 25, 2012

3:30am
I woke up at  for an opening shift.  Nothing like making coffee bright and early to get the day started.  There wasn't anything special about that morning.  I was kind of at the end of my rope on this particular day.  I had been in and out of the hospital repeatedly the previous three months, and was ending a week of extreme symptoms from a Crohns flare.  I hadn't been able to eat or drink anything without getting sick for almost a full week.  It was to the point I knew I was dehydrated, I had no energy, no motivation, and honestly.  No hope. A month previously my doctors had told me they had tried everything on the market to get my Crohns into remission.  Nothing had worked.  I had been on the highest dosages of the strongest medications, and nothing was working.

They were giving me until March to go into remission, otherwise I was going to start scheduling surgeries to remove the infected parts of my digestive system.  Only four days away from March, and I was more sick than I had been in months.  It wasn't looking good.

6:00am
I was on my break at work sipping on some water, hoping to make it through my shift. I got a text message from a friend.  She said, "I was praying for you this morning.  Something happened! Tell me when you start feeling different."

I hadn't eaten in two days, and water wasn't really going to effect me.  Feeling hopeless and lethargic I replied that I would be sure to let her know.  I wanted to sound hopeful - but my thinking was far from it.

12:00pm
My routine in the previous few months of being sick had been to go to work, and sleep the rest of the day. I got another text message from my friend asking if I would be willing to come over so her and her husband could pray for me.

1:30pm
I got to my friends house and they prayed for me.  After they finished praying my friend looked at me and said, "Go home and eat something." With a smile.

7:00pm
I went to a friends house for a game night.  We made salad, and ordered pizza.  I hadn't eaten in two days. I hadn't been able to keep any food in without being sick in a full week.  No one really knew how sick I had been that week.  I smiled, ate dinner, and enjoyed the night.

February 25, 2013 One Year Later...

10:00am 
I wake up and make my coffee to start the day.

2:00pm
I drive my scooter around Chiang Mai, Thailand running errands.

4:00pm
I finish my list of things to do as I hang up clothes to dry on the balcony upstairs in the 100 degree heat, knowing they will dry quickly before dark.

6:30pm
I have dinner with my wonderful friend at a Thai barbeque.  We laugh and talk half in English, half in Thai as we eat a delicious meal.

10:00pm
I got out and look for the street kids I work with through out the week.

How much difference a year can make...

I've been able to eat and drink anything I want, whenever I want for an entire year.  I've never been sick again.  No more doctors, no more medications, no more sickness.

An entire year!

Can I just say.  When you have several medical professionals telling you that you will never be well again.... Telling you, you will never be able to travel internationally again, never be able to eat certain foods... That you will, 'live a normal life' but have to live in such a way that you are controlled by circumstances of what foods are available, what health complications your having that day, or what side effects your dealing with from medications....

I never thought I would be in this place.  I NEVER thought that one year later I would be writing this from Thailand!  There are so many things I deemed impossible for my life after hearing people tell me for years I would never be able to do it again... But it happened.  It's happening!

And you can say it's a coincidence.  You can say that, it was just going to happen anyway and the timing worked out.  You can say that it was a medical phenomenon, a one in a million chance...

But I am telling you - I know that it was God who healed me.  As crazy, and insane as that sounds.  It was. And I'm also telling you - He is good.  He's so good. Every day.  Even when things are hard, or circumstances seem to be going against us.  When things happen that we can't explain, or don't want to deal with.  Through all of that - He is GOOD.

No.  I didn't like being sick for 3 years, 5 months, and 12 days. Every day - without a break.
No.  I didn't like having blood drawn every three weeks for two straight years, or doctors appointments ever two weeks for months on end.
 I didn't like being admitted into the hospital and being hooked up to IV's on the oncology floor every six weeks.
I didn't like take 26 pills every morning, or not being able to go out into the sun because a side effect of medications was sunburn and heightened risk of skin cancer, or being severely anemic for three years, having no energy...

None of that was good.

But do you know what IS good?  The fact that every time I get to eat something spicy, salads, nuts, raw vegetables, fried or creamy food... Every day I get to walk around in a foreign country, every day I spend AWAY from hospitals and doctors offices... Do you know how much MORE I appreciate those days?  A lot more.

God gave me a gift. And TRUST me. It's not because I deserved it.  I certainly did not have a good attitude when I was sick.  I wasn't full of faith that he was going to heal me.  I didn't think everything was going to be ok.  But He did it anyway.

And for the last 365 days - honestly... I haven't been great about thanking Him every day.  I haven't had a perfect attitude the whole year.  I haven't done everything right.

But I can honestly say I also haven't passed up any opportunities.  He gave me a chance to live out my dream.  And one year later I can say, I'm doing it.  And He's given me more direction, and more clarity about how to live out my dream in JOY in the future. And I can say that a whole entire year after I've been healed,  I'm not so much amazed that I'm not sick anymore, I'm way more amazed at how GOOD the God I serve is.  And I really hope that people around me will know who He is, and how good He is too.

Bless Em'

Last night I went to hang out with my kids. There's a little girl I work with who loves to learn English.  She knows the entire alphabet now, and is even beginning to be able to sound out English words.  It has been such a joy to work with her over the past few months.  To play games, laugh, and bring joy.  She doesn't live with her biological parents.  She stays with a family member who brings her out to the red light every night to sell flowers.  But I've seen a stark contrast in this family as compared to the others who have kids selling in the red light.

Her street mom isn't malicious. She's not mean to the little girl, she's not rude to me.  It's obvious that she's trying her best, but doesn't see another way for their family to be making money.  So for this family it honestly has been so easy to love them, as we encourage the street mom to not bring the little girl out to sell flowers.  It's also obvious that she knows the dangers of this girl being out at night.  She never lets her out of her sight.  She's the only street mom that is with her kid all the time.  Every other kid that I work with wanders the streets on their own.

These people are so blinded by what they're doing... but this woman is trying SO hard to love this little girl the best that she knows how.

Last night our english lesson turned into playing games for awhile.  After we had been sitting for some time, a man approached.  It's not uncommon for some of the foreigners that are walking by to stop and see what we're doing.  Some watch for a moment before moving on, some ask what we're doing.  But last night was a first.  This older man stopped and began loudly ranting how he had been in the red light several nights in the past week and had seen this mother and daughter selling flowers.  He then began pointedly yelling at me about how I was encouraging trafficking, asking what was wrong with me and how could I let her mother continue to let her do this. He told me that if I wanted to fix the problem, I should be telling her mother what a horrible person she was, and that she shouldn't be letting her daughter do this.

Instantly I was infuriated.  Angered to the point of shaking and felt I couldn't see straight.  I wanted to react, to yell back.... But I instead calmly looked up and said, "Sir. I'm aware of the problem here, and I am going to politely ask you to leave now."

He wasn't amused by this response at all.  It only triggered him to become more irate as he yelled at me, and began yelling at the little girls street mom, "Bad mom! You're a horrible person, bad mom!"

I wanted to react. So badly.  I wanted to tell him if it was as easy as telling her mom to stop - then this wouldn't be happening anymore! I wanted ask him what HE was doing in the red light district.  But I kept my mouth shut.  As the man walked away shouting at the little girls mom throwing obscene gestures into the air, I scrambled to collect my thoughts.  I couldn't think straight in english, let alone Thai... All I could get out was to say sorry to the girls mother.  To apologize profusely and for her to know that we loved her. I can see where this man would be coming from - but clearly he doesn't understand the implications of forced labor trafficking if he thinks this problem would have such an easy solution.

Shortly after we left.  I couldn't handle being there any longer.  My hands were still shaking, my mind was still reeling, and I was so angry I felt like I could explode.

I went home and a few of the people from the team staying at my house were sitting in the living room. I went up to my room to collect my thoughts for a few minutes, and then went back down and asked them to pray with me.  I knew that if I just sat and stewed in what I was feeling, I was going to allow a bitter root to grow.  I wouldn't be able to see the foreigners walking through the red light without being angry.

I began to pray that this man would begin to see Truth.  That he would be brought to a place of repentance.  The more that I prayed for him, my heart calmed, my mind calmed, and I honestly felt sorry for this man.  I began to be grateful that if he was going to react - that I was able to be there to tell my kids and the street mom that we loved them in the aftermath of the the mans outburst.  My heart sincerely changed for him.  I learned a HUGE lesson last night.

I began to realize the importance of Romans 12:14 "Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse"

There's a very good reason he asks us to do that.  And it's for OUR benefit.  When people attack us, it's for our benefit to bless them. To forgive them.  To not hold a grudge against them.  Because when I go out next week I'm going to be able to focus completely on each of my kids as I work with them.  I won't be brought back to the moment we had last night, hoping it won't happen again.

And honestly - that man is quite lucky that I was working with that little girl when he decided to have his little outburst.  Because if I had been working with my boys... It may not have ended so well.  Get together a few preteens with anger issues who are protective of you.... I think that situation ended as well as it  possibly could have.

Hard lesson to learn - but worth learning.

"I'm enough for them too."

Do you know how long I’ve been staring at a blank page on my computer screen?

Awhile.

So I’m just going to start writing, and we’ll see where this goes.

I left home 121 days ago.  That’s almost exactly 4 months in case you didn’t want to do the math.

I quit my job, sold everything that I owned, and got on a plane with a one way ticket to come to Thailand.  I did that because God asked me to come.  When He said, “Go‘  I didn’t know how long I was going to be here for.  Quite frankly I had no idea what I was going to be doing.  I didn’t know who I would be working with, I didn’t know the language, the ONLY thing I was certain of was that He said, “Go to Thailand‘.

And if you remember from an earlier blog post ‘I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane... Seriously. I don’t know when I’ll be back again...’ I talked about how when I walked through the doors at the airport God spoke SO clearly to my heart when He said, “I’m enough.”  So I was certain of that as well.  I guess those are two things I was certain of. He said, “Go to Thailand” and, “I’m enough”.

I’ve held on to those two things in the past four months.  I’ve thought about them almost daily.  The days when I couldn’t communicate, I missed home, I couldn’t find my kids and didn’t know what I was doing here I remembered “Go to Thailand”.  And then days my kids told me how they got burns on their faces, that they hadn’t eaten, when teams left that I became friends with and I felt like I was working alone I remembered “I’m enough”.

Back in December I spent a lot of time processing what my time here was supposed to look like. I became certain that this was a learning season for me.  A season to learn how to interact with kids in trafficking. What do I need to do to show them that they can trust me? How do I reach out to them, as well as their families?  How does trafficking even work in Northern Thailand? Was it the same here as other places in the world? (it’s not...) What are the important things to know about the language?  (‘Where is the bus station?’ was not nearly as important as, ‘Where are your shoes?’ ) What do I need to know about surrounding organizations who work with kids in the same situations? (so I can partner with them and plug the kids in) I could go on... The more that I prayed into this I realized that God was saying, “When you’ve learned these things you’re free to go.”  I also felt like he was saying that long term I would be based in the US and I would make long term contacts I would work with on a short term basis.  He wanted me living in a place that brought me joy - so that I was able to operate out of that joy and pour into people.

So even though some days - ok. A lot of days... I wasn’t great at choosing my attitude when circumstances were hard,  I continued to walk in obedience and was determined to learn.

In the past three weeks I’ve felt a huge transition with the ministry.  When I lost the spot I had to meet with the kids I wondered, “Am I supposed to find a place to meet outside of the red light, or do I transition them into a different organization?”  When money wasn’t coming in as steadily to support myself and the kids I thought, “Does this mean I’m done, or does this mean, continue to walk in faith?”  When the teams were leaving and I wasn’t going to have the flexibility of having someone to come out with me every night I wanted to hang out with the kids I thought, “Do I limit my time with them now, or will more people show up?” Once again, I could go on.

It was just a time of transition. Last week I took three days off to rest, pray, and figure out what I was supposed to do.

Shortly after just being quiet... I felt like I wasn’t supposed to start  something new for the kids yet because I didn’t have a team to work with, so I started researching organizations in the area who worked in trafficking prevention for kids.  I found one specifically that works with boys - and knew it would be a perfect fit for my boys.  When I inquired what I should do to get them connected, I found out that all of my boys had showed up there randomly earlier in the week and were already plugged in.

Awesome.

So I waited and listened more, and once again God said, “I’m enough”.  I immediately thought that meant He was enough for me to stay here and right away He said, “No.  I’m enough for the kids too.  Go home.”

Wait. 

What?

The more I sat and listening, prayed, spent time in the Word over those three days He showed me over and over, “You’re season of learning is done.  Go.”

So I talked with some people from home,  I talked with Emmi who runs the ministry here and I am taking a step of faith again and coming home.

I’m not giving up.  I’m not running away from anything.  I’m not running to anything.  My heart is in a GOOD place.  I’m just being obedient again.

Honestly.  It DOES bring me joy to think that I’m going home.  It also makes my heart sad to think that I won’t get to hang out with the kids here.  But God didn’t just give me direction this past week, He also encouraged me and reminded me that the kids I’m pouring into here are no MORE and no LESS important than any person I will come in contact with at home. I need to love them all the same.

So I know that Northern Thailand is one of those places I will be connected with long term to come back to on a short term basis.  I will pour into these kids every chance I have to be in this place.  I am not abandoning them, or leaving them... I’m saying, “See you later!” and trusting God when He told me, “I’m enough for them too.”

Reflections of an Introverted Extrovert

I'm what I like to consider and introverted extrovert.  

I love being around people.  I love talking with people, learning their stories, sharing stories.  I have no problem speaking in front of big groups of people, although I'm not one to claim the spotlight if I don't have to.  If I had to choose I would definitely prefer getting to know people in a small group setting.  Two or three at a time, as compared to a room full of people that I don't know and have to socialize with.  That's a nightmare to me.

On the other hand, I need time to myself. I need moments in my day on my own. If I'm really busy for extended periods of time I need a moment to process and unwind in a quiet place.

Introverted extrovert.

Well the past couple of weeks have been wildly busy.  A lot has taken place that made me stop and take a couple of days off.  Time to process, think, and rest. I just needed some time.

And here is the result of my introverted 48 hours.

A couple of weeks ago I was out with the kids in the red light, and we were playing - as we do. We sat in front of a shop that was closed, just on the sidewalk out front.  We had been meeting there four or five times a week for three months. That day I had several kids along with their parents.  We were playing games, and laughing.  It was around 10pm and someone made a joke, or did something that made everyone laugh really loud.  The shop next door was open until 10:30 and the shop owner came out and asked us to be quiet, because people were sleeping upstairs.  We said ok, but more kids and more people kept coming.  By 10:15 the shop owner came back out and told us we couldn't come back.

After three months with no complaints, we had been kicked out of our meeting spot.

This left me in a bit of a pickle... I had all of these kids that I had finally connected with and no place to meet with them.  

For the past several weeks I've been trying to figure out what to do about this.  Last week I just met the kids around the bars, and I would take them across the street for dinner, and then they would usually ask if we could go over to the bars and play pool.

This is where the ministry I'm in is much different than it would ever be at home.  I got to know these kids by sitting on the street with snacks and games.  As they walked by I would say, "Dek dek, Sawat di Kha! Ow, mai kha?" As I held up some candy.  Translation: "Hi kids, want some candy!"  

At home that's what we would call a creeper.

Two weeks ago I was talking with a friend and said, "The other day when I was playing pool with the kids at the bar..." Once again.  At home, considered a creeper statement.

Double creeper.

But here - it's normal. It's ok.  It's the way I'm reaching out to these kids.

But my heart is to see these kids OUT of that environment.  I don't want the 8 and 11 year old kids I'm working with to grow up in the bars anymore.  They shouldn't have to be growing up in this dark environment.  As I began to figure out what I needed to do I've been wondering if I would be best serving the kids if I tried to find a spot to work with them, or connect them with a ministry that already exists.

As I began to research I found that in a city with literally hundreds of people living and reaching out to people in trafficking there is not one place for kids to go and be taken care of after 8pm.

Not one place for kids who don't need to be in forced labor to go during the hours when they are forced to be working.  No where. 

So for today I'm going to ask that you all pray with me.  Pray with me to figure out what needs to be done.  And if you feel like God is telling you something message me on Facebook.  Email me at kristenwilkes.design@gmail.com  If you feel like God is telling you something - act on it, don't sit with it.  As my good friend Emmi, who started Lighthouse in Action, always says: "Vision Without Action in a Dead Dream".  

Furthermore in my time of processing I've come to realize something.  I can't save everyone.  So much of me feels like if God tells me that I've learned what I need to for my next season, and it's time to go home that I will leave here having failed.  Failed because I didn't save people.

I don't really know how to end this blog, because I still feel like I'm processing, but all I know is that if I stay here I need help. Practically, this isn't something I can do by myself.  So... if it's supposed to happen it will happen I guess.

To Dream. To Aspire. To Be.

Through my busy schedule I have continued working with the kids in the red light.  The past couple of weeks I have seen a shift in my time with the kids.  Two months ago I wrote a blog called Where's Waldo: Thai Style and I talked about how working with the kids was like a giant game of Where's Waldo to me.  Most nights I ended up searching around the city for the kids not knowing which bar, restaurant, or street they were going to be on when I found them.

In the past two or three weeks that has changed.  Instead of searching high and low all through the city for my kids, when I tell them I am coming out - they're waiting for me.  If they can't find me, they know who my friends are and they will wait around with them and ask where I am, and when I'm coming.  

Last week I was sitting with four of my kids playing games and one of my boys ran up.  He insisted that I follow him, and said that he had to show me something.  He took my hand and went running down the street. We got about a block down and I saw three people from a team working with Lighthouse. My kid stopped, and told me he wanted me to meet his friends.  He had told them to follow him because he wanted them to meet me.  Turns out I already knew who his new friends were :)

That night I hung out with 3 of the boys for several hours.  We played pool, I bought them dinner, and was able to spend some time with their moms as well.  When it was time for me to go, two of the boys told me that they wanted Muay Thai Boxing shorts.  They are 11 and 12 years old, and love watching the Muay Thai fights in the boxing ring in the center of the red light district.  "Me, him Muay Thai Champions" one of the boys told me with a huge grin on his face.  I told the boys maybe, and went home.

I was praying about it on my way home, not knowing if I should buy the shorts for the kids.  Knowing that if I bought the two older boys shorts, I would have to buy some for the youngest as well - I knew I would be spending a fair amount of money on this.  My ministry expenses have gone up quite a bit in the last month since the kids have begun to trust me more.  I've been buying them dinners every night, and some nights their moms ask for dinner as well.  They've also been bringing friends some nights. Some nights I end up buying dinner for 7 or 8 people.  Wanting to be wise about how much I was spending I battled if buying them something they didn't need was right or not.

As I prayed I just felt like God was saying, "Let them Dream."

I thought more about that, processed it, prayed about it more.

These kids have grown up in darkness.  They've been working jobs since they were 5 years old.  When I was their ages, 8, 11, 12 years old I had all kinds of dreams about what I wanted to do.  i wanted to be a writer, a teacher, a professional soccer player.  I would dream about what I wanted to become in my life.  These kids don't dream.  They grew up before they got to dream.

Many of them come from the hill tribes.  They don't have Thai citizenship, and aren't able to get good jobs in the city.  not only have these kids had to grow up before they got to be kids, but they have very limited options.  But a viable option - being a Muay Thai boxer.

If this was something that they really wanted, they could do it.

I decided to buy the shorts for the boys and brought them last week.  A Thai friend of mine comes out with me sometimes, and hangs out with the kids and translates for me.  She helped me to tell the kids that they can't lose their shorts because I'm not buying them more.  But I bought them the Muay Thai boxing shorts because if this is something that they want to do, I want them to do it.  I told them to practice, and that when they are in a Muay Thai fight, I would come watch them.

The kids smiled, thanked me, and compared their gifts.  

Let them dream.

Who knows, in a few years maybe I will be back in Thailand watching them win a Muay Thai fight.  I can't wait to cheer them on! They know I don't like watching Muay Thai - it stresses me out... but I would watch it if they were fighting.

Until then, I'll cheer them on as they work towards their dream.

Ruined for the Ordinary

This past month has been so busy.  I have been going out with the kids 4 or 5 nights a week, doing orientation for every new team that has come in - and there have been 10 teams here this past month.  I have been teaching graphic design some afternoons, english some afternoons, and showing teams around.  This along with ministry meetings, Thai lessons, and finding time for getting things done around the house and paying bills. Not a lot of free time.

But what I've noticed in the past month is that I've finally gotten over my culture shock.  For the first several months, although I really enjoyed each individual thing I was doing I had a hard time wanting to stay in Thailand.  I found myself not wanting to learn the language, and feeling defeated in a lot of what I was doing.  

About three weeks ago I had gone to a small diner close to my house to get lunch.  It's one of the few places around that I've found I can get a genuine meal that tastes like it's from home.  I was sitting at a stop light on the way home with my chicken salad sandwich and I said out loud to myself, "I just want an ordinary life!"  As I said this I just wanted to be at home. I wanted to go out to lunch with my best friend and eat a chicken greek salad.  I wanted to serve coffee.  I wanted to be in my comfort zone.  

I knew that if I went home I wouldn't miss the mosquitos, getting cut off while driving down the road, the fleas, the lice, the karaoke.  I would be excited about having a kitchen that didn't open up to the outdoors, about being able to flush toilet paper down the toilet.  I would love being able to speak the same language as everyone and communicate what I wanted, when I wanted.

And then I heard so clearly in my mind, "You're ruined for the ordinary."  

As I began to think, I realized that it didn't matter if I had good plumbing, an indoor kitchen, and no fleas.  I wouldn't care about the amount of mosquitos, or what language people were speaking.  I've spent months working with kids who have been forced to make money for their families.  I've seen the faces of amazing woman who don't realize their worth.  I've spent time with people who are sometimes not provided with even the simplest needs.

I couldn't go back to ordinary now. If I went back to ordinary - my heart would be hurting for those I could be helping.  

Ordinary in my world is Michigan.  Ordinary in my world is having a job and being independent.  Providing for yourself and socializing with those around you.  My ordinary was spending evenings with friends, and holidays with my family.  My ordinary was being comfortable and surrounded by everyone that I loved.  My ordinary was not having to think outside the box, but be conformed by... Ordinary.

I couldn't do that anymore.  I had experienced Jesus.  He was to real.  I had seen Him work miracles - I knew His power.  I had become friends with the least of these - who really turned out to be far more than those we would be considered 'above the least'.  

My life was ruined. So I had to stay.  As soon as that sank in - no more culture shock.  

I'm ruined for the ordinary forever.  Although this season is calling me to be here - there may be another season that calls me back to my ordinary.  If that happens know that just because I'm back in my ordinary, doesn't mean I'll be conformed by it anymore.  Now that I'm ruined, I may have to color outside the lines :)

*Blank Stare* Seriously? *Sigh*

*Blank Stare*
A blank stare can mean a lot of things really.  

Surprise.
Shock.
Frustration.
Unbelief.

“Seriously?” 

This phrase can have a lot of translations.

“I can’t believe this is happening!”
“Are you kidding? Or no?...”
“This is so great!”
“I’m to frustrated to say what I want to say.”

*Sigh*

A sigh can be a result of many things.

Relief
Annoyance
Being overwhelmed
Revelation
Defeat

This week I feel like has been a week of: *Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*

Like when I realized that I got to see a friend from high school,  and a friend that I lived in New Zealand with in the same week in Thailand.

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh* Translation:  *Surprise*  “This is so great!” *Revelation*

Or when I realized that a stranger at the bus station helped me get home on time after missing my bus by talking with the bus company in Thai and telling them I was given wrong information (when really my taxi took me to the wrong bus station and got there 5 minutes after my bus left) and I was given a ticket back home with no hassle.

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*  Translation: *Shock*  “Are you kidding? Or no?...”  *Relief*

Or when I got home after an overnight 10 hour bus ride to discover that I was covered literally head to toe in flea bites.  I stopped counting at 100.

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*  Translation  *Frustration* “I can’t believe this is happening.” *Annoyance*

Or when I go to make dinner and there’s no gas in the stove and it’s 10pm.  

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh* Translation:  *Unbelief* “You have got to be kidding.” *Defeat*

Or the next morning when we were trying to fix the broken toilet and realized that our water, internet, and electricity bills haven’t been paid and the internet, and water are shut off on a Sunday afternoon.  

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*  Translation: *Unbelief*  “I’m to frustrated to say what I want to say.”
*Overwhelmed*

Sometimes as a missionary (which... I really don’t like that word by the way.  I’m just living life in Thailand...) I feel like I’m supposed to have everything together all the time.  Like I can’t do anything wrong or I’m going to fail.  Like when something goes awry in my life that I need to have the answers and get it fixed with a smile on my face the whole time and be happy.

But this week has been a week of: *Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*

My day off consisted of replacing the empty gas tank, paying in the internet bill, warning the other 11 people that live in my house that we can’t use the bathroom upstairs as we realize that we have no water.... And grocery shopping.

This afternoon I came back home ready to break down.  I am still a very human, human.  I’m going to be honest.  Today has been a very frustrating day.  I’ve wanted to yell, but I’ve held my tongue.  I’ve wanted to cry, and I have a little.  I’ve wanted to pack up my bags, and come back home because I’m totally overwhelmed with teaching photography, doing graphic design, orientation for teams, working with slum kids, teaching english, learning Thai, and taking care of my street kids who have it way worse than I do and smile at me, and laugh with me everyday.

So instead, I’m going to pick up my guitar and worship.  I’m going to pray - knowing that God called me here for a reason.  And I’m going to trust that I will figure this out and move forward.

And that I can get through tomorrow with no:

*Blank Stare*  “Seriously?”  *Sigh*

26 Things I'm Thankful for in my 26th Year: 2012

1. This year I have been gifted with some of the best friends I've ever had.
2. God healed me of a disease medical professionals deemed 'incurable'
3. I got to live on top of a grocery store
4. I was able to raise a goose AND a duck.  Easily the coolest pets ever. Thank you Jill and Brooks.
5. I spent most of the year making people coffee.  I like people.  And I like coffee.
6. All of the friends mentioned above have some of the coolest kids I've ever met.  And I got to hang out with them a lot.  They all make me laugh.
7. I bought a plane ticket to Thailand - even though I had never been there and it was scary.
8. I found out I have an amazingly supportive church family.
9. I got to go to New York City.  Definitely my favorite place I've ever been in the world.
10.  I moved to Thailand.  Easily the most challenging step of obedience to God I've ever taken.
11.  I met some really amazing people with the same heart for kids and justice that I have.
12.  I started learning Thai.
13.  I discovered Chaa Yen.  Thank you Bethsaida.
14.  My form of transportation became a scooter.
15.  I became friends with some of the most incredibly strong, and awesome kids that I've ever met.  And they work in the streets of Northern Thailand.
16.  My job is now to love on these adorable street kids.
17.  I got better at speaking Thai.
18.  I learned what World Race is, and how awesome World Racers are.
19.  Khaw Sooy. I found a favorite Thai meal.
20.  Technology.  FaceTime and iMessage have saved my sanity in 2012.
21.  Learning how powerful steadfast obedience to Jesus is.  Even when it's hard, and you don't like it - He's still working.
22.  Learning how to not only walk in obedience, but also with a willing heart.
23.  Coffee.  I just love it.
24.  Feeling an idea of direction to what my life will look like in 2013.
25.  Learning what an incredibly supportive family and friends I have.  And growing more thankful for them everyday.
26.  Jesus.  I couldn't do this without Him.