Seeking Perspective

I’m already entering week three of this giant adventure.  This last week has been more difficult than the previous. I was sick for several days with a head cold.  A head cold with vengeance... 48 hours of not getting out of bed, and close to a week of not leaving the house.  It left me feeling a bit disconnected from the work I have to do here.  Along with feeling disconnected from my work here, I was also feeling a bit disconnected from home.  The time difference along with not feeling well, and busy schedules made it difficult to connect with friends or family for several days.  I found myself in my house in Chiang Mai sick, lonely, and struggling to keep perspective.  

It’s moments like this it would be wonderful to say, “God squashed all discouragement I was feeling and I spent the week full of His joy.”  But instead I allowed myself to get in my head a bit.  If any of you watched the video I posted on my YouTube channel ‘Questions and Answers’, a friend of mine asked: 

“What is something you and God are still working on as you get ready to go.”

My Answer:

“Working on me trusting totally in Him, and not trying to think through everything in my head because thinking about what I’m doing can be really overwhelming and make me feel like I’m not ready.  But in the small moments when I DO trust totally in Him I know that it’s going to be ok... So just living completely in faith and not thinking to much about what I’m doing”

I’m still working on it.  This past week was a week I can learn from.  I tried to think to much through what I’m doing.  I tried to figure it out.  And do you know what trying to figure everything out accomplished?  Nothing.  It just caused me to feel anxiety.  Because I couldn’t figure it out!  And I couldn’t figure it out, because I’m realizing that God wants to work through this His own way  - which isn’t logical.  I want to understand the timing, and the finances, and the details.  

He wants me to listen to His still small voice and be obedient one step at a time.

It’s realizing that victory here looks different from victory at home.  It’s realizing that He didn’t ask me to sell everything I own to stay away for only a couple of months.  It’s realizing that He didn’t call me into a season of faith, so that He could see me struggle.  It’s realizing that He’s faithful, and if He’s asking me to living financially by faith that He’s going to provide.  It’s realizing that when things seem hard, I need to seek Him and not try to figure it out on my own.  It’s realizing that going to the market and have a short simple conversation in Thai, and bringing food back home is successful. It’s realizing that it’s ok to celebrate those success’ as insignificant as they may seem!

And most of those were not great epiphanies in the night.  They weren’t me overcoming fear, or discouragement in a single moment.  They were reminders, encouragements, and wise words from friends.  They were seeking scripture and reading Truth.

Last night I was finally able to go back to the red light district to work with the kids for the first time in almost a week.  As I sat across from a little 6 year old girl and taught her English I saw her face light up.  As we began learning animals, I watched her laugh as she imitated the animal sounds.  As we fashioned letters and small animals out of clay she began to play.  For a moment she was able to be a kid.  She wasn’t selling roses in the streets of the red light district for an hour.  She was being 6 years old.  When it was time to go she thanked us, and as they walked down the street she turned back looking at us with a smile and waved.

Being with those kids, I’m able to get out of my head and trust in God.  Because there’s no logical reason that I am making a difference in these kids lives.  I feel totally inadequate.  Completely inept. I was reminded this week that it’s ok to feel like that — because it’s NOT about me.  I’m going to be reminding myself of that a lot in the coming weeks and months.  

This past week I read a verse 2 Corinthians 3:5-6 “Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God; Who hath made us able ministers of the new testament; not of the letter, but of the spirit: for the letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life.”

When you look at the context of this verse the word sufficient means having the ability or competency to do a thing.  Able means to make sufficient or to equip with adequacy. Ministers are servants, people who follow the orders of another.  

So this verse is telling us that we do not have the ability of competency to do things ourselves, but our ability and competency comes from God.  God has made us sufficient and adequate to serve others and follow His orders.

This means if I am being obedient to Him that my adequacy, and ability to reach out and show His love comes straight from Him.  I can’t do it in my own will. That kind of takes all of the pressure off.  All I have to do is listen.

I realized this morning that things are going to be hard.  This is going to be an uphill battle to be obedient, at least in this season. But God has asked me to follow through with the simplest task I've ever had.   And that simplicity has somehow made it difficult.  The only thing that God is asking me to do is show His love to these kids.  That's it. Allowing them to experience the characteristics of His nature that they have never experienced before.  The characteristics that He's pointed out to me are loyalty, trustworthiness, and consistency.  And I'm not willing to be a person who proves to these kids that they can not trust, that they will always face broken loyalty, or that they will never have consistency in their little lives.   If He's calling me to display this to them I must be willing to be obedient.  To operate solely in His power, and not in my own strength.

When I posted my Facebook status yesterday and said, “...I wonder what I will learn today.”  I didn’t think that it was going to be quite this deep.

“Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again — rejoice!”  Philippians 4:4