Although I am already on my second flight of the day - it seems completely surreal that I am actually moving. That I am actually following through with something that I have dreamed of for so long. There were so many days, months... Years - long years - where I thought that I would never get to do this. That I would never have the chance to travel again. That I never thought that I would have the chance to reach the nations for Jesus again. I don't know why he's allowing me to live a life that is so full of adventure. I don't understand why He's called me to a life that is so different. Different in that I am constantly out of my comfort zone. Different In that I am being asked to go to a place that is so outside of my ordinary. So far past the bounds of what I feel capable of.
But somehow I'm here. I'm sitting on a plane making my way thousands of miles across the world so that He can speak through me and use me, and reach people. I feel like if I get to Thailand and manage to settle into the culture and people's lives begin to change - there is no bigger testament of Jesus than that. Even being physically healed seems easier to believe than to think that me moving to Thailand could change anything. I have nothing substantial to offer. I haven't been trained to do this. I havent spent my life preparing emotionally or mentally for walking through the things that I am going to see.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine and he asked if I was ready to encounter the human suffering that I was going to see daily as I worked in the red light district.
My answer was really simple. No. I'm not ready. I'm never going to be ready to encounter the types of things that I am going to see there. It's inhumane. It's heart wrenching. It's not going to settle well, or be ok.
But even though I'm not ready for it - I do know that God has a plan. And it's good. So I am going to listen. Intently, everyday. Because I know that He is going to tell me who I need to talk to. If I'm listening to where He wants me to go to, and who He wants me to talk to - I'm going to be prepared for that one person, the next conversation. For that one situation I'm going to come up against next.
When I think through what I'm doing in a human capacity it is to scary to fathom. In the past week I have had to part with a lot of people in my life. I have had to hug kids whom I have spent the last year and a half laughing with, and tell them it's going to be ok and I'll see them again as they cried. In the last 12 hours I had to stand in front of 3 of my best friends and say goodbye. As each of us said, "This is good. This is Gods will," I think all of us reassuring each other, as well as ourselves with the statement. It's making me cry now thinking about it, but not just because I'm sad. I am sad - but also so grateful. I am leaving Michigan to embark on the greatest adventure of my life - but I had to leave behind the best thing that I've ever had. It's such a stark contrast of emotion. So bittersweet.
The only thing that makes it worth it is knowing that I'm being obedient to a God who is so loving, and so powerful, and loves me more perfectly than any human in my life - and He's with me every step of the way.
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